Category Index

Appliances

Handy devices, and things. Between you and me I'm getting fed up of writing these category descriptions; not really sure what I'm supposed to write. Rhubarb, rhubarb, monkey biscuits.

aerial n bent bit of wire intended to collect radio waves for your computer, television or some such device. The manufacturers don’t call them bent bits of wire. Their marketing chaps have many fancy words like “impedance” and “gain,” but back at the factory all the guys are just bending wire. Americans call these devices “antennas,” though aerial is in limited use in the U.S., too.

AGA n large coal-filled cooking stove not dissimilar to an American “range.” AGA is a brand name; the company primarily produces those giant cooking stoves that are filled with coal and the whole of the top of the thing gets very hot indeed. They’re a bit dated now, but pretty much everyone’s granny had one.

answerphone n device plugged into the telephone which answers it for you when you’re out, playing an oh-so-hilarious message that you got from the internet, recorded from Seinfeld or made up yourself whilst plastered and forgot about. Americans call them “answering machines,” which has become more common than “answerphone” in the U.K. nowadays.

bin n trashcan. This is simply a contraction of “dustbin” (which means the same thing, to save you going and looking it up). The plastic bags one puts in the bin are called “bin bags,” whilst Americans call them “garbage bags.”

Biro n ball-point pen. Named after Hungarian journalist Ladislo Biro, who invented it. It’s slipped into the common vernacular in the U.K. and the rest of Europe as a generic word for a ball-point pen.

blower n telephone: just a second, I’m on the blower. Yes, it sounds a bit rude. May stem from the days of party telephone lines, where people would blow into the mouthpiece in order to gently remind whoever was using the line that you wanted to too. Alternately, it may originate with the navy, where intra-ship communications operated using a similar system.

bob n five-pence piece. Before the U.K.’s currency system was decimalised in 1971 and became simply “pounds and pence,” the Brits had “pounds, shillings and pence.” Like all crappy Imperial measures there wasn’t ten or a hundred of anything in anything and good riddance to the lot of it. In order to work out how to pay for anything you had to be able to divide by sixteen and nine tenths, subtracting room temperature. A “bob” was a shilling, and these days it’s still vaguely recognised as meaning five pence. Only vaguely, though.

bogroll n toilet paper. See “bog.”

brolly n umbrella.

brush n broom. Brits use the word “broom” too (they don’t talk about witches flying on brushsticks), but not as often.

carrier bag n shopping bag. Can’t think of anything witty.

Christmas cracker n (ah, how to describe these…) bit of fancily-coloured paper wrapped much like a lozenge, with twisted ends. A small sort of explosive device is put inside a cracker so that when two people pull at alternate ends, the whole thing comes apart with a snapping noise and — ah, the joy — a small piece of trinket crap falls out. This will be something like an ineffectual miniature sewing kit, a set of blunt nail clippers or one of these mysterious “get the bits of metal apart” puzzles, which will cause some degree of interest from the surrounding family until someone realises it’s very easy to get them apart because it was made in China and came out of the factory bent. As the name suggests, these are mainly used at Christmas but sometimes pop up at birthday parties and the like.

cooker n machine that does the actual cooking of your food. While this is a peculiarly British term, “oven” is used both in the U.K. and the U.S. to mean exactly the same thing.

cot n crib. Americans call a sort of frame camp bed a “cot.” Brits don’t. I’d say they just called it a “camp bed,” as God intended. I’m guessing that he intended that. The Bible is fairly ambiguous about which day God chose to create camp beds.

cotton buds n cotton swabs, or “Q-Tips.” When I came back from Tenerife with an ear infection I deduced had come from swimming in the sea, I got a telling-off from the doctor for attempting to cure myself with the aid of some cotton buds. According to the doctor, you should “never put anything at all into your ear smaller than your elbow.” Medical advice dispensed here at no extra cost.

cotton wool n cotton ball — the little furry blob that women use to remove makeup and men use to clean inlet manifolds.

curtains n any cloth covering a window. Brits don’t call the longer ones “drapes.”

cushions n small pillows that one scatters over one’s living-room chairs. Americans will know them as “throw pillows.” Both Brits and Americans call the things you put your head on in bed “pillows,” for what it’s worth.

CV n résumé. C.V. stands for the Latin curriculum vitae, “life’s work.” The term “CV” is coming into more popular use in America, but Brits don’t use “résumé” at all.

dado n decorative wooden track that some people think is nice to have around walls at the height of a chair back. Those people are blithering morons. Brits also know such a thing as a “dado rail;” Americans call it “molding”. To confuse things slightly, a “dado” to an American carpenter is a slot in a piece of wood (usually for fitting shelves or cabinets) which Brits call a “rebate” or “housing.”

dog-end n stubbed-out end of a cigarette. More commonly Brits use the international term “butt.”

dosh n money. A fairly London-based term until being popularised by the Harry Enfield pop song “Loadsamoney.”

draught n pron. “draft” the flap inside the chimney of an open fire which you can open or close to allow more or less air into the hearth. Americans know it better as a “damper,” which is a part of car suspension in the U.K.

drawing-pin n thumb-tack. A pin with a fairly large flat head. So called because they were once used to draw blood during satanic rituals. I just guessed that one, it might be wrong.

dummy n pacifier. One of those teat-things you put in babies’ mouths to stop them crying. Brits share the other meanings ("insult" and "mannekin").

dustbin n trashcan. Can’t think of anything particularly witty to add.

duvet n comforter. In the U.K. one sleeps on top of a sheet and directly under the duvet – Brits do not layer sheets underneath it.

fag 1 n cigarette. In very widespread use. One of the most amusing emails I’ve had concerning this word was from an American who had arrived at her company’s U.K. offices to be told that the person she was looking for was “outside blowing a fag.” 2 n first year senior-school kids who have to perform menial tasks (cleaning boots, running errands and the like) for the seniors (slightly antiquated). Another email tells me of a man who was met with aghast looks when he told a group of New Yorkers that he “was a fag at school last year.” Modern thinking on slavery has seen that the practice of “fagging” all but die out.

fairy lights n Christmas lights. I’d like to describe these by reading from an entry in a fictional encyclopedia for aliens: Human beings celebrate Christmas by cutting the top off a tree, moving it to a pot in their living room, covering it with small electrical lights and standing a small model of a woman on its tip. As it dies, they drink alcohol, sing to it and give it gifts.

flannel 1 n slightly old-fashioned homonym for “face-cloth. 2 n nonsense: I watched the Prime Minister’s statement on telly this morning but it was just a bunch of flannel.

full stop n period. The little dot at the end of a sentence, not the part of the menstrual cycle. Brits also use "full stop" for emphasis the same way that Americans use “period”: And I says to him, I'm not putting up with this any more, full stop.

gaffer tape n duct tape. Sort of. The heavy, slightly meshed sticky tape used to silence potential murder victims and to reliably and effectively attach small animals to tables. Unlike duct tape, gaffer tape is designed not to melt onto things, and is used extensively in the theatre and film industry. Probably derived from the fact that the Gaffer is the chief electrician on a film set.

G-clamp n C-clamp. I'd say they look more like 'G's.

grammar n textbook.

hand-luggage n carry-on baggage. Belongings you are intending carrying into an aeroplane rather than checking into the hold.

hob n rangetop/stovetop. The top bit of a cooker with the rings on it, where you put pans and things.

hoover n vacuum cleaner. v vacuuming. The Hoover Company was an early manufacturer of such devices, though originally it was invented by a company called British Vacuumation. Where are they now. They could have cleaned up. Sorry.

jam-sandwich n police car. Also "jam butty". So called because they are white, with a red stripe down the middle. If you half-close your eyes, squint, stand on your head and recite the Lord's Prayer backwards, they could in some ways be seen as not dissimilar to a jam sandwich.

kitchen roll n paper towel. The disposable paper cloth, much akin to a larger, stronger version of toilet paper, that one generally keeps in the kitchen and uses to mop up bits of food and drink that have been inadvertently thrown around. So called, I'd imagine, because Brits keep it in the kitchen and it comes on a roll. Americans call it "paper towel", no doubt because it's made of paper and works like a towel.

lift n elevator. The word derives from when the devices were once called "lifting rooms".

lolly n 1 (slang) money. 2 ice- popsicle. A sort of frozen sugary flavoured lump wrapped around a small bit of wood and designed specifically to drip all down your front as it defrosts.

Mole grip n 1 one of those fiendishly complicated wrench-type devices which can have its tension adjusted by means of a screw on the handle end. Americans know them better as "vise grips", but it's probably safe to say that if you don't know what I'm talking about on either score then you are not going to live life at a great deficit. 2 popular sexual position. This is a joke.

Perspex n plexiglass. A sort of plastic equivalent of glass. Perspex is a brand name of the acrylic company Lucite. Their advertising literature probably has all sorts of fancy terms in it about covalent bonds and stress ratings, and perhaps doesn't even use the phrase "a sort of plastic equivalent of glass". Unless maybe they have a Layman's FAQ at the end.

phone box n phone booth. One of those boxes with a telephone in it that used to be commonplace but are dying out somewhat now that everybody has a mobile phone. The government still erect a few to give errant youths have something to vandalise in the long winter evenings and prostitutes somewhere to advertise. Of course, they all do that via email now.

polythene n polyethylene. The plastic-type stuff that plastic bags are made of.

Portakabin n trailer. A sort of prefabricated hut, most often used as temporary offices on a building-site. Portakabin is a UK trademark.

pram n baby carriage. An abbreviation for the rather Victorian and now largely unused "perambulator".

pushchair n baby buggy; stroller. A device in which a small child is pushed along by an obliging parent. The American term "buggy" is squeezing its way into everyday use in the UK.

rawl plug n moly bolt. If you don't know what either of these things are, rest assured that your life may continue.

rubber n eraser. Be very, very careful. Limies visiting the United States are urged by the government to write this translation on the back of their hands and not t wash until they leave.

scrap n, v, adj junk. While Americans have junkyards and put junk on junk-heaps, Brits have scrapyards and scrap-heaps, upon which they put scrap.

Sellotape n Scotch tape. Sellotape (a contraction of "cellophane tape") is the name of the largest manufacturer of sticky tape in the UK.

Shilling n a pre-decimalisation UK unit of currency - worth five pence.

skip n dumpster. It's odd that something as revolting should develop such a pleasant name. The dumpster was invented by a man called Skip Mandible. This is a lie.

skirting board n baseboard. The little wooden bit of edging that goes around the bottom of the walls in your house so that when you stub your toe you don't put your foot through the plasterboard.

sleeping policeman n speed-bump. The name derives from a time when narcopeltic policemen were employed to slow down traffic. Maybe.

spanner 1 n Monkey wrench. 2 adj A very mild friendly insult: "Bob'll be a bit late, the spanner left his phone in a taxi".

stabilisers n training wheels. The little extra set of wheels that your parents put on your bicycle to stop you from falling off all the time when you're learning to ride. My parents never got any... I think they secretly enjoyed watching me injure myself in the name of learning.

tannoy n public address system. The odd name derives rather simply from the fact that a company called Tannoy were among the more prominent early developers of such a device. Interestingly, American sound engineers use the word to describe the small high-fidelity playback speakers used in a recording studio. I say it's interesting because obviously the British use the word to refer to possibly the worst sound quality known to man.

tea-towel n dish-towel/dish-cloth. The thing you use to dry the dishes if you don't have a dishwasher. It's my belief that dishwashers are the most important invention of the twentieth century. Perhaps it'll be your belief too, now.

telly n TV. The term "TV" is well used and understood in the UK, but "telly" is more common.

till n cash register. The device at the checkout of a shop upon which the assistant works out how much you have to pay, and which contains the money paid by other customers. That has to be the most long-winded and hapless definition I've written lately. The word "till" is used in the US but refers to the removable drawer tray in the machine, not the whole device.

Tippex n whiteout; Liquid Paper. You know, the stuff that you use to paint over mistakes you've made on bits of paper. The stuff that smells good. Heavens, that's good. Look at the pretty colours. Tippex is a brand name in the UK.

torch 1 n flashlight. The word originally referred to real burning torches and so ... 2 v ...has also developed into a verb meaning "to set fire to".

trolley n shopping cart. The device in which you put your shopping while going around the supermarket. What Americans call "trolleys", the Brits call "trams".

truncheon n The baton used by policemen to quieten down rowdy charges. The Brits still have sticks, whilst many American police forces have replaced them with unusually heavy flashlights.

video 1 n VCR: "I left it in the living room sitting on top of the video". And yes, they do call the tapes "videos" too. These days the general concept of a video tape is fading into the distant past as DVD takes over. Perhaps eventually I'll remove this. 2 v record onto videotape: "Mary and I spent the weekend videoing the neighbours copulating".

zed n Z. The letter that the Americans pronounce "zee", the Brits pronounce "zed". Products with the super-snappy prefix "EZ" added to their names don't tend do quite so well in the UK. And yes, this does mean that British schoolchildren never hear the "alphabet song" that ends "now I know my A-B-C / next time won't you sing with me?" as it relies somewhat on the G / P / V / Z rhyme. Perhaps G, P and V could be renamed "ged", "ped" and "ved" in order to adopt it. I might write to the education minister saying as much.

Zimmer n also "Zimmer frame" walker. One of those four-legged frame devices that the elderly use in order to help them get around the place. Zimmer is the brand name of a manufacturer of these things.